It’s amazing how time flies. We’re already beginning the 2nd half of our beloved NFL season,  So of course, it’s time to see how your favorite team fared midway through the 2011 season. Only, instead of giving actual grades, I’m breaking them up in categories. Same analysis as ESPN, but better because it’s not so formal. So without further ado…. the midseason report cards.

F*ck It, I’m On One!: Green Bay Packers

The Packers deserve a column of their own. As far as NFL class goes, there’s the Packers and then there’s everyone else. No one is touching them right now and to be honest, I don’t know who will. Aaron Rodgers is playing like he’s possessed right about now. I like Green Bay but the little hater in me says they need to sit their bragging asses down somewhere. No reason why I feel that way, I’m just a little green and tired of seeing them win.

They Are Who We Thought They Were:  Pittsburgh Steelers, New England Patriots

The Steelers started out old and slow, but they’ve finally got the ball rolling. They’ve been on fire the past few weeks, and have picked up from last season, thanks to the emergence of guys like Mike Wallace and Emmanuel Sanders. The Patriots make this list because they’re still a team of concern if they’re on your schedule, but they can’t stop a nose bleed (Bart Scott voice) so unless they figure out to stop good teams, they may be in trouble….

Well I’ll Be John Brown (c/o @DragonflyJonez): Cincinnati Bengals, San Francisco 49ers, Detroit Lions, Buffalo Bills

I dedicate this category to my Twitter buddy, who always uses this term at the right time and better than anybody I know. Most of us looked at contenders for 2011 and didn’t think about any of these teams, for a lot of reasons. New players, lockout hangover, inconsistent or not good in years past…. for whatever reason, unless you were a fan of these teams, they simply weren’t on your radar. Well I’ll be John Brown if they aren’t now. The Bengals are 5-2 with a Top 5 defense and have shown success with Andy Dalton and AJ Green. The 49ers changed their coaching staff and brought in Jim Harbaugh and have only lost one game so far, even giving Alex Smith some life. And the Bills, who had every bounce against them in 2010 despite playing hard, are finally getting the ball in their court. The Lions are probably the least bit shocking, since they finished 2010 strong. But it’s the Lions…. you still haven’t forgotten about 0-16 and Matt Stafford gets hurt if you blow on him hard enough. Alas, no bad karma and all teams are doing big things

They’re Good, BUT……..: Baltimore Ravens, New York Giants, San Diego Chargers, Houston Texans, New York Jets, New Orleans Saints, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Atlanta Falcons 

These teams have a winning record so they’re good based on record but we really have no idea what to expect for the 2nd half of the season. The Ravens have beaten quality opponents in Pittsburgh, Houston and the Jets, but have crapped the pot against teams they should have beaten in Tennessee and Jacksonville…… The Giants are decent, but their schedule the next 6 weeks is beyond brutal and one has to wonder will the injuries they have finally start to catch up….. The Chargers are actually starting out with a winning record for once, but QB Philip Rivers (my boo!) hasn’t looked like the Rivers of old, and fumbled control of the AFC West away last Monday night……. The Texans are good, but losing Mario Williams for the year and Andre Johnson for some time may hurt them in the long run…..The Jets have seemed to regress a little on defense, and Mark Sanchez not getting much help from his run game is an issue…..The Saints WERE in my “They are who we thought they were” column, but they lost to the Rams, The WINLESS ST. LOUIS RAMS, WITHOUT SAM BRADFORD! Yeah, they go down a notch after that one….. The Bucs have youth on their side, but their lopsided loss to San Francisco puts them in this category….. Atlanta always leaves me scratching my head at the end of their games. With all of the offensive weapons they have, I don’t see how they don’t put up 30 points easily, each week. They have some inexperience on defense that holds them to this category.

Ehhhhh……………..: Chicago Bears, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys, Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland Raiders, Carolina Panthers, Tennessee Titans

It’s not that I don’t think these teams are good or can’t be good… it’s just that I couldn’t add them in the “They’re good but” category because they’ve done something not worthy of that category. The Bears’ offensive line blocks like Cutler stole their girl……The Eagles started out slow, and with the “Dream Team” talk prior to the season, expectations were above normal so their 3-4 record is underachieving at best… The Cowboys need a TV time out with the way they’ve played football lately. I thought they’d be better than this at this point. I haven;t totally written them off, tho. They have talent….. The Chiefs started off rough (remember Matt Cassel’s blow up with HC Todd Haley on the sidelines??), but they’ve rebounded well. It’s the AFC West so it’s hard to be impressed just yet…..The Raiders looked like they were gonna have a good season before Jason Campbell went down. Oakland traded their 2012 #1 pick and a conditional pick to Cincy for Carson Palmer, but all Palmer did was stink it up in his debut. He’s not the same QB he was before 2005 and quite frankly, I wonder if Al Davis came back from the dead to make one last WTF personnel decision… Despite Carolina’s record, I’m gonna put them in this column because I seriously believe they try hard each and every week, yet fall short. This team reminds me a lot of Buffalo’s team last season. They hang in there, but can’t get the “W” in the end. I can’t be mad at that. They should be added in my next group but I love their resilience. The Titans are here by default, because they have a good record. But Chris Johnson got paid and told the Titans, “Fcuk your couch”. He’s still holding out but we didn’t know until now. With Kenny Britt going down, that hurt big time for Tennessee. Good thing is, the AFC South could be a 2-man race, and they’re still in it.

“Insert Comment Here”: Cleveland Browns, Seattle Seahawks, Jacksonville Jaguars, Minnesota Vikings, Arizona Cardinals, Washington Redskins

Face it- these teams’ style of play are boring and uninspiring more times than not (minus the Vikings the past 2 weeks. But that’s because Ponder now has the keys). Put yourself in my shoes…. What could you possibly say about any of these teams individually that doesn’t sound like the others in this group? Can’t figure it out? Me neither. So feel free to insert your own comment here.

Bad…. Real Bad Michael Jackson: Indianapolis Colts, St. Louis Rams, Miami Dolphins, Denver Broncos

I guess this group could be called the “Suck For Luck” lottery, but that’s unoriginal and overused at this point. These 4 teams stink and I’d bet my money on LSU or Alabama if they played any of these teams at this point. Probably the worst team of them all is Indy. Never have I seen a franchise fall so fast from one key player going down. That’s a direct reflection of the GM and ownership and it’s inexcusable. The Rams have some good pieces and aren’t AS bad as Indy (not saying much), but their defense isn’t that good, particularly their secondary (although they did hold NO to one offensive TD in Sunday’s win) and there isn’t a true #1 WR on the team. The Dolphins need a new makeover, period. Not only did you celebrate the FLORIDA GATORS championship in MIAMI HURRICANES-land, you let Tim Tebow beat you in the Final 5 minutes of the same game. Yeah, you suck, Miami…….. Speaking of Tebow, he is getting KILT in the media (yeah, I said it… not killed, but KILT!) on what most of us already knew: Great college player, lots of heart and passion, not going to translate into the NFL. It’s been a while since I’ve seen so much attention lay on one guy like this. Denver officially came into the Top 5 pick race as of Sunday.

Eagles QB Michael Vick did an interview with GQ magazine to discuss life as a changed man since going to prison, and how he wanted to be a Bill or a Bengal instead of an Eagle? Considering his career with Philly now, it sounds crazy. But it’s something Vick actually thought about. In the interview with the mag, this is what Vick said,

“I think I can say this now, because it’s not going to hurt anybody’s feelings, and it’s the truth. I didn’t want to come to Philadelphia. Being the third-team quarterback is nothing to smile about. Cincinnati and Buffalo were better options.” Vick says that he talked with commissioner Roger Goodell and other reps from the NFL. He was then convinced and granted league approval to sign with Philly.”And I commend and thank them, because they put me in the right situation.”

Vick going to Philly was definitely the best move for him. Being able to sit on the bench probably continued his haul-over process on being a better QB. If Vick goes to a place that he had a better chance at starting like Buffalo or Cincy, chances are his studying habits don’t change much and he’s still winging it based on his talent alone. Philly has a great mentor in Andy Reid so that was the perfect opportunity to learn how to put in the work needed to be a great QB.

Sorry Bills/Bengals fans………

Vick’s article also talks about his conviction and what situation scared him all the way straight. You can read the rest of the article by clicking here.

The AFC North of course! I blogged last year that Victoria’s Secret were releasing gear for all 32 NFL teams for the 2011 season. The “First Round Picks” of their new line were all teams of the AFC North, which means my Ravens, Steelers, Browns and Bengals. The rest of the teams/divisions were released hour-by-hour via their Facebook page. You will be able to buy these items starting next month.

I’m sooooo excited about this. It’s very hard to find football gear that’s truly sexy, so having more options like the VS Pink line as well as Touch by Alyssa Milano gives us the resources to not only root for our favorite team but look damn good at it! Now all we need is for the lockout to end and football to resume so we can express our fandom fashionably!

He’s baaaaaaaaaaccccckk.. in jail that is. Bengals CB Adam “Pacman” Jones was arrested early Sunday morning for resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, here’s what happened:

Police responded to 639 Walnut St. for a report of a fight while working a detail at the location. Police said inside the bar Jones was disorderly and shouting profanities. He was escorted outside and asked to calm down but continued being disruptive, police said.

Police told Jones he was under arrest but he resisted, tightening his arms and pulling away.

Pacman Jones and trouble seem to go hand in hand. Since entering the league in 2005, Jones has been questioned, named or arrested in connection with at least 14 off-field incidents. However since joining the Bengals, Jones was pretty quiet when it came to the law.

The reason for the neck brace in the mugshot is due to a football related injury. Jones had surgery last season and went from a hard to the soft neck brace (pictured), last April.

He needs to sit his ass down somewhere, especially in that brace.

Well, well, well… look who’s found something else to do during the lockout?? Of course, it’s none other than Chad OchoCinco. Mr. 85 was in the studio with Lil Wayne and Birdman, channeling his inner Weezy F. Baby skills. Chad captioned one of his pics via Facebook,

This was my last verse and as you can see I’m winning (I’m 85 money longer than ocean drive) killed em

Oh…..okay! If I had to guess, he’s not that good at it… but it’s yet another way to keep us talking about what he’s up to.

As long as Chad doesn’t rap like Chris Johnson he’s winning. But something tells me he will remind me of that Dave Chappelle skit…..

From soccer, to bull riding, to snake wrangling and now this. Waiting tables. Chad Ochocinco must be bored this Memorial Day Weekend. Instead of chilling on the beach or drinking Call A Cab’s at Wet Willie’s, Chad posting pics of him waiting tables at David’s Cafe (17th and Meridian in Miami. Get there now before you miss him), via his facebook page.

Say what you want about him, but 85 is quite the self marketing genius through this lockout. I used to think he was an attention whore. Well, I still do, but I also get the bigger picture now… he’s staying relevant while his counterparts are being shadowed due to the lockout and NBA/NHL Finals. Good job Chad.

PS- I’d pay him a 25% tip if he waited on my table shirtless. I’m just saying……

A week can’t go by without the news/media world saying the words: Chad OchoCinco. From the Basketball Wives reunion to Twitter, it’s hard to NOT say his name. And today is no different.

According to NFL.com, #85 has been ordered to pay nearly $12,000 for clothing merchandise that he bought 2 years ago and didn’t pay for. That’s right: Mr. Male Louboutin himself owes some money for being the fashionister he brags about (Can’t call him a fashionista, since he’s a man). Here’s the details:

Judge Bernie Bouchard signed an order for Ochocinco to pay $11,717.39 to Amm One, also known as Exclusive Wear, a Cincinnati clothing, store for purchases during a seven-month span of late 2008 and early ’09 that included a $400 pair of alligator shoes, a $400 sweater, a $350 pair of jeans and a $250 t-shirt.

When finding out about the order, Chad did what he always does, he took his thoughts to Twitter.

A lockout = no checks. It’s only $12k which is probably like $300 in my world. So is he broke, or just being a diva? It’s probably the latter, but tweeting that surely gave people the thought. Just pay the damn order and move on….. SMH!

Ravens S Tom Zbikowski appeared on the Dan Patrick Show on Monday talking about his upcoming fight this Saturday, in Las Vegas (useless fact: former Ravens teammate and 49ers QB Troy Smith will lead him into the ring). During his interview, Zibby said that he would love to fight Bengals WR Chad OchoCinco, saying that #85, “talks like he can box”.

It didn’t take long for word to get back to the charismatic star, responding to Zibby’s request via Twitter:

Zbikowski then responded to Chad’s response, followed by yet another rebuttal from Ocho:

Well, alright!!!!

Not that this would actually go down in real life, but I’d bet my year’s salary that Zibby would knock Chad out in 30 seconds, tops. Chad is very good at being a WR and a trash talker, but with his twitpics of his wardrobe and cupcaking of fiancee’ Evelyn Lozada, I think he’s more of a lover than a fighter. Add the fact that OchoCinco is still under contract, while Zbikowski has yet to sign his restricted free agent tender, and you have nothing but a verbal boxing match via Twitter. Chad knows it too, which is why he’s even entertaining Zibby’s request (well, him being an attention whore may also play a role in this as well). The fact that they are division rivals would make it something to watch, though.

Memo to Zbikowski: Find another loud mouth who’s not under contract to challenge. I’m sure Terrell Owens is free *shrugs*

Bengals QB Carson Palmer doesn’t ever want to play another down in Cincinnati. He wants out of the Queen City, but the Brown family aren’t looking to grant him his wish. So what does Palmer do next, go on a tirade about what he won’t do and how much money he has.

Palmer has said that he’s confident the Bengals will eventually trade him and that he will, “never set foot in Paul Brown Stadium again,” WCPO-TV in Cincinnati reported. Palmer also went on the record saying, “I have $80 million in the bank. I don’t have to play football for money. I’ll play it for the love of the game but that would have to be elsewhere. I’m prepared to live my life.”

Well alright, now… witcha bragging azz!!!

My first thought after reading this was that Palmer’s music selection before gametime is nothing but hip hop. Clearly I can’t be the only person that immediately thought of this song after reading his quote:

My second thought was, I hope he does get traded. He’s a Ravens killer, with a 9-4 record over my squad. I’d want nothing more than to see Palmer go somewhere else. No matter how bad (or sometimes good) the Bengals are, they are always a thorn in black and purple’s you-know-what.

So what happens next: The Bengals give in and trade him? Or does Palmer pull a Jake Plummer and retire and start playing in handball tournaments for the rest of his life? Okay, maybe he won’t be doing THAT… but it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

PS- Carson if you are ever looking to show some philanthropy , you can make it drizzle over on thenflchick.com!. You know, since you’re rich and all……..

No I didn’t make that up and yes you read the right name. It seems the AFC North is full of twinkle toes these days. First, it was Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco joining the popular dance show. Now the Steelers smiling WR has decided to join the show as well.

Ward, 35, joins a plethora of other football players (current and former) who have graced the stage. But he becomes the 2nd AFC North player in as many years. ESPN and AFC North blogger James Walker has his reservations on Ward’s decision:

Similar to Ochocinco, participating on the spring reality show will take time away from Ward’s offseason schedule. Ochocinco had two reality television shows last year, missed all voluntary workouts and had a down year, catching just 67 passes for 831 yards and four touchdowns.

Ward will turn 35 on March 8 and his numbers were also down last season. He caught 59 passes for 755 yards and five touchdowns for the reigning AFC champions.

Walker also says that this move is very un-Steeler-like… and I happen to agree with him. Not to mention, Ward is probably the last person I’d expect to join this show. One can ask whether this interferes with his offseason workouts, but the possibility of a lockout is very real, so Ward may have a lot of downtime this offseason.

I’m not a big fan of the show at all, but the Ravens fan in me may watch to hope that he gets a bad score so that Cheshire Cat-like grin can be wiped off his face.

Hey, I never said I wasn’t petty. The show premieres March 21. I’m sure we’ll see tons of black and yellow in the crowd.