It’s Sunday, January 25, 2009 at 4:54pm. I’m sitting here… with nothing to do. Absolutely nothing. I am nervous, my hands are clammy and I’m down. Most of you already know why and feel the same way I do.
Okay, so I embellished a little, regarding my nerves. But I am sad.
This is the first Sunday since August that a football game of any capacity has not been on. And once the Super Bowl is over next Sunday, I have no idea what do to with my Sundays anymore (for the record, the Pro Bowl is not worthy of my time). I’m not a big basketball fan, hockey is only good when the players fight, and even spring training baseball doesn’t matter to me much because my team sucks.
I know there are tons of others out there that are feeling PFA just as I am. You ask what is PFA?? That stands for Post Football Anxiety. I don’t know if a condition like this actually exists, but it should. Tens of thousands of people, like myself, are are feeling like we lost our best friend and don’t know what to do to fill the void. We’ll feel empty inside, at least until training camp starts back up.
So I’ve come up with a list of things you can do on Sundays to waste time until your favorite team jogs back on the field on their quest to make the Super Bowl (or for some teams, their quest to be better than a laughing stock of the league *cough*Detroit Lions*cough*). Read these rules and act accordingly. It will save you until the football season starts back up again
Stop Neglecting Your Children/Godchildren For Once
Okay, I know I’m not the only parent that is glued to the TV when their favorite team is playing. The conversation between my son and I typically go like this on Sundays:
Son: Ma, can I…
Me: SHHHHH!!! Flacco is about to throw
Son: But Ma, I’m Hung…
Me: Didn’t I tell you to be quiet?? I can’t hear the TV. The Ravens are playing!
Son: But I’m Hungry…..
Me: (inattentive) Uh Huh… gimme a minute baby….. When the commercial comes on I’ll get up
A lot of us parents/godparents are guilty of not paying their child or children an ounce of attention for at least 3 hours. And sadly enough, we don’t really care. As long as the ambulance, police or the Fire Dept don’t show up at the door, we don’t care what they do. It’s a shame, really…
So let’s use the time to do whatever the kids want to do. Let them think it’s all about them again. Take them wherever they want to go, or let them play any sport they want. But keep reminding them that their time is slowly running out, and that pretty soon you’ll be back into football mode.
Just say to them, “Okay baby, we can go there today. But remember, in 15 weeks, football season starts back up. So all of this will come to an end, mmmkay?!” If your child knows the program, they’ll be okay. They they don’t want to accept it, tell them too bad, so sad!!
Become A Bar Hopper
Every Sunday at 1pm, visit a new sports bar/lounge and watch the other sports on their TV. For every 1/2 hour that your favorite football team is supposed to be playing (which is about 3 1/2 hours), start taking shots in honor of that team. Also buy a beer to go along with those shots. That way, every time you take a shot, you hold the beer up and yell, “Cheers” to everyone and take a sip.
Then proceed to pour a little bit of beer on the floor and say, “This is for all the players who ain’t on the field today” and sing the first verse of “Gangsta Lean” shortly after.
Three things could happen if you follow this rule. One, you’ll be too drunk that after the 3rd shot you’ll forget football should even be on. Two, if you aren’t drunk, you’ll be having a great time, because other PFA sufferers will be there and feel your pain and join in. Or three, the bar manager will kick you out of their establishment and ask that you never return.
Anyway you look at it, it will temporarily take your mind off the loss of football. You may have a hella hangover because of it, but the mission was accomplished.
There are tons of us girly girls who love the violent sport of football, myself included. There is room in our hearts for pumps and pigskin that holds equal.
Come up with a Sunday budget and hit every weekend sale you possibly can with your budgeted amount. Make sure you do this between the hours of 1pm and 7pm, or else this won’t help you cope. The longer you stay out, the more you’ll forget that usually at this time of day, Peyton Manning has scored somewhere. Or John Madden has mentioned Brett Favre for the 1,000th time elsewhere.
For Men Only: Support Your Local Gentleman’s Club
Fellas, you should also budget for your soon-to-be weekly coping mechanism. Make sure you don’t take enough that your significant other doesn’t get too mad about it if she finds out what you’re doing. So no Champagne Room episodes for you. By a drink, sit at the stage and give out $1 bills, not exceeding ten dollars.